A punctuation crisis

I'm sorry, for a large part of this post, I am quoting (e.g. copying) a funny e-mail my mom sent to me, from which I get a kick every time.

Without further ado, here it is:

begin quote

People, while working on my thesis I ran into a punctuation crisis. What to do?
Why, Google "punctuation" of course. Well, heavens to murgatroyd, I couldn't
believe the information that came up. I know you are sitting on the edge of your
recliner by now because your thirst for intelligent, pertinent trivia has you
aquiver with anticipation! So, without any further ado, I bring you this
information in a continued effort to keep the dark-side-of-fifty-generation well
informed and enlightened. Oh, and, it may be copied and forwarded to: only those
who qualify...or if you are watching Jay Leno, send to your "Keeper" folder.

Intro: Sarcasm, an art our generation has perfected, involves speech
loaded with double meanings which make clear communication difficult. Sarcasm
involves words that are easy enough to understand and are usually accompanied by
a tone that contradicts the meaning of said words. Ultimately sarcasm keeps
others at bay, and leaves them wondering what exactly you really meant. Highly
advantageous in most modern conversations except when IQ levels are at odds, at
which point, the writer appears as an arrogant, mean-spirited troll.

There has been a growing consensus, of sorts, to develop a punctuation
mark for sarcasm. It will possibly be called the "SarcMark". It is suggested, by
the aspiring $numismatical$ originator that the new glyph ($1.99 USD) be placed
after every sarcastic line or phrase exchanged in text messages, e-mail, smoke
signals or handwritten notes.
Note: Think of those possessed people who draw
a miniscule little heart ( )
or a tiny circle ()
above an "i"; they'll surely feel either avenged or deprived.

So what
does this revolutionary new character look like? Um, it's a slightly bent, open
circle with a dot in the middle like so.......it
resembles a microscopic Gumby-style cat that's licking it's...........heels
...and the exploiting web wunderkind does know that his stunner-glyph is
just the Hebrew letter "Pe" in cursive with a dagesh, right?
...and so,
initially, you'd have to explain what it means whenever you use it, or every
time someone asks you what it means.
...and if they are the type of
individual who needs help when sarcasm is involved, then....holy cow, may-be a
"failed to get sarcasm point" would be required.
...and I wonder how long it
will take for people to start using the sarcasm mark sarcastically. Yep, the
proverbial can of worms.

This contrivance is by all appearances very
similar to Alcanter de Brahm's proposed irony mark ...a
reversed question mark...which in turn resembles the Medieval percontation
point, which was used to indicate rhetorical questions. It was in turn taken by
Hervé Bazin in his book Plumons l’Oiseau ("Pluck the bird", 1966), in which the
author proposes* several other innovative punctuation marks, such as the doubt
point, certitude point, acclamation point, authority point, indignation point,
and last but not least the love point...the latter rendered useless since being
replaced by an infamously popular, little, red
emoticon.
Note: Any inquiries as to the physical aspect of the above
proposed points * will be accepted wholeheartedly and processed expediently,
personally and discreetly.

Now, solely for the purpose of demonstrating
how glyphically retarded the western culture is; let it be pointed out that, in
certain Ethiopic languages, sarcasm and false statements are indicated, at the
end of a sentence, with a sarcasm mark called temherte slaq. The temherte slaq
is a character that looks like an inverted exclamation point or suspiciously
like an exaggerated, bold "i" ().
Temherte slaq...(sigh) a simply amaezing, well thought out and befitting word,
in any language.

Note: Upon reflection, one has to wonder exactly where
the proposed points* would be positioned in a French composition; possibly
backwards and at the beginning of a phrase...as a forewarning, perhaps? After
all, they did it with the dollar sign and...but let's not get too far off topic,
'cause I could really vociferate windily on that subject. Anyway, the "SarcMark"
vision appears to be an effort to pull together a universal agreement to have
the "SarcMark" applied as a real punctuation key on all future, standard US
keyboards @ "(($1.99 USD ea. !!))" <"This wonderful idea will surely improve
the quality of internet messages everywhere! I have been sooooooo waiting for
this!!!">

Note: Exaggerated quotes were used in the last phrase in
order to emphasize the underlying sarcasm; not because of their superiority over
the "SarcMark" but as an old fashioned, generational gesture. Also,
pardonnez-moi the woefully poor attempt at sarcasm.The "SarcMark" symbol
currently costs $1.99 to download – a price that many may rightfully think
deserves a SarcMark of it's own.
...but...if you are an obsessive gizmut
addict and have an aversion to paying for anything cyber related, simply on the little glyph provided here and save as a "whatever.gif" which you
can insert in your sarcastic texts....when/if necessary.

Question: Can
you see the purchased "SarcMark" in text if someone else uses it, but you don’t
have it installed on your computer?
Answer: No, the whole point of the
marketing ploy is to try and encourage $everyone $ to buy it. Fun Fact:
“Sarcasm” comes from the Latin sarcasmos, which means “to tear flesh.” How
bad-ass is that? If you want to know more, see the promo here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlwCCWGYOGg

P.S. I used a few
Scrabble words in the above composition for condensing purposes only.